NEWS YOU CAN USE
Ted Turner Irritated
Atlanta, GA -- Ted Turner is reportedly very irritated with friends and family that have implored him to link their personal web sites on CNN.com. Turner, who once owned the popular news web site, still maintains limited control over its operations. Ted Turner has reportedly stopped taking messages regarding the request. However, it is rumored a web ring page will be launched on CNN.com to satisfy Jane Fonda's persistent third cousin.
"Dog Hater" Has Change Of Heart
Orlando, FL -- Ben Nelson, 19, known by all his friends at the University of Central Florida as the "guy who hates dogs" surprised everyone by volunteering to keep a vacationing friend's dog for two weeks. Since then, Ben makes excuses to bring the dog with him whenever possible in attempts to attract unsuspecting women. Ben has told friends that the strategy is working great, and he now has two dates lined up for the forthcoming weekend. Ben is also looking for other people with dogs he can use in the future to meet women.
Couple Surprised by MTV
Los Angeles, CA -- Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, who both grew up watching MTV during the mid-eighties were surprised to see a music video on the popular cable television channel over the weekend. David and Melinda Thompson both agreed this is the first time they have seen a music video on MTV in years. Although they frequently watch the music channel, they say they are usually only entertained with commercials, hip-irreverent news spots, more commercials, and commercial-like spots about political issues that MTV viewers are interested in. In addition, David says that he used to like the "fashion show" with Cindy Crawford that aired after MTV apparently stopped playing music videos during the early nineties.
Puppy Defies Science
Dallas, TX -- Susan Spears, a local real estate agent, reports that her new pet dog, a Jack Russell Terrier produces more poop in volume than he consumes in food. While Ms. Spears, admits to not being trained as a physicist or biologist, she claims to have scientifically documented the phenomenon. In controlled experiments, Ms. Spears has consistently weighed the amount of food consumed by the two month old dog. Using this data, she claims to have proven that the amount of poop the dog produces weighs approximately 200% more than the food consumed. Ms. Spears plans further experiments where she will also factor in the water intake of the young dog.
Office Manager “Way Too Enthusiastic”
New York, NY -- The employees of Calling Services, Inc., one of New York’s most successful phone card distributors report that the newly promoted office manager, Kevin Murphy, is “way to enthusiastic” about his new position. “It is very uncomfortable to attend the employee meetings since Kevin was promoted.” reports Marsha Billings, a Calling Services, Inc. account executive. “Kevin is always early to all the meetings, helping to setup the refreshments, sitting in the front, and nodding vigorously in agreement along with management speeches -- no matter how mundane the topic.” Another employee, speaking on the basis of anonymity said, “As the top producing sales rep that Calling Services has ever had … I would just like to say that Kevin has raised the level of brown nosing to a new height ... Kevin even gets teary at Jenkins’ monthly motivational pep speeches.”
Expert Warns Of Technological Economic Disaster
Atlanta, GA -- Timothy Kahn, a 19 year old student and video game expert warns that the rapid pace of technology is the greatest threat to the economic future of millions of Americans. According to Kahn, the public’s addiction to technology, coupled with a flurry of new expensive consumer products has caused everyone he knows to go into extreme credit card debt. Offering himself as an example, Kahn admits that just in the past year to exceeding the credit limit on several credit cards to keep up with the constantly accelerating pace of technology. Kahn revealed that he finds it very stressful having to spend almost all of his discretionary income just to supply new games, media, and accessories for his newly acquired Play Station 2, Nintendo Game Cube, Microsoft X-Box, DVD, and MP3 player. With creditors constantly calling, Kahn voiced his hopes that no new exciting products will be released till he can pay off at least one of the credit cards.
Laid off man "didn't really like job"
Atlanta, GA -- Andrew Spinnaker, 32, recently laid-off from his job with BellSouth as a graphics designer is telling all sympathetic friends, "I didn't really like the job anyway." Andrew further explained that BellSouth's work attendance policy and productivity standards led to his dissatisfaction with his former employer. Andrew reports that his new job as a cashier at QuikTrip is "much more interesting and challenging."
New Theory On Space-Time Continuium - Compelling
San Diego, CA -- Martin Skinner, a staff accountant for Tite Security, Inc. has proposed a revolutionary new theory to help further explain the mysteries of the space-time continuium. Skinner developed the new theory while reading Stephen Hawking's latest book. According the Skinner, different galaxies exist in different “time-zones” and if people traveled to another galaxy, it would be the same as traveling to an alternate future or past. Therefore, Skinner explains, "time travel and alternate realities are more than pulp-book fiction; it is a real possibility that holds great promise for anyone who can make the incredible trip to another galaxy." Skinner has declined to reveal the basis for these amazing theories to the public till he can work out some of the inconstancies with theories proposed by the late Issac Asimov. However, coworkers at Tite Security, Inc. have said that Skinner's theories are very compelling. Skinner is also reportedly working on a theory of how traveling the speed of light will generate a “brilliant flash of light” similar to the “sonic boom” phenomenon caused by traveling the speed of sound.
Local Author Promotes New Book
Atlanta, GA -- Bob Rylings, 21, will be doing an informal book signing outside the Buckhead Barnes & Noble this Saturday at 12 PM. Mr. Rylings' new book is titled Danger With a Centerfold. The plot of the book revolves around a young college student who has a chance meeting with a Playboy centerfold model while riding public transportation to school -- and finds himself wrapped up in murder, adventure, and intrigue. Rylings describes the book as a romantic, spy-adventure novel, with a dash of Ninja action to make things interesting. Rylings is currently attending Georgia State University and rides the MARTA to school every day.
Kmart, Radio Shack, and AOL form Axis of Mediocrity
Los Angeles, CA -- Sensing the need to leverage common values and brand recognition, KMART, Radio Shack, and AOL announced an agreement to form a new marketing partnership this week. Denying rumors that this is a prelude to a three-way merger between the companies, Joseph Wiggins, an AOL executive revealed, "This partnership will place products and promotions in all three venues, from each of the the three companies. You will be able to get your fruit-of-the-looms, internet service, and odd-size batteries all at one location ... whether in a retail store or on line."