Area Man Damns Self

Chicago, IL - In a mix up of epic proportions, local man Sam Holloway accidentally damned himself to an eternity of torment in hell's fiery lake of sulfur.

"I don't know how this could happen," Holloway was quoted as saying, "I've damned so many things over the years without damning myself, I guess that I thought I was impervious."

"Further, I AAAAAARGHHHHH!!!!!", Holloway added as fiery lake dwelling demons pulled him under the roiling waves and skewered him with searing metal spears inflicting pain the likes of which has never been experienced by human flesh.

Holloway's final day, Saturday before last, started innocently enough as he awakened to find that the beloved family dog Sparky had managed to pull his stamp collection from the bookshelf, and chew on it. A quick thinking Holloway damned Sparky, the bookcase, and the Three Stooges limited issue stamps before calming down enough to assess the situation, pick up the remains of his stamp collection, and damn Sparky once again. After the second damning, he then sent Sparky outside with a kick to the rear.

Already in a foul mood, Holloway proceeded outside to change the oil in his 1986 Yugo wagon. As he removed the plug from the oil pan, his hand slipped, and he smacked his knuckles on the undercarriage of the car. Frustrated with the pain he caused himself, he slipped and accidentally damned himself.

Satan, also known as Old Scratch (File Photo 1999), and a host of other names was all too pleased to comment.

"After the obnoxious collection of utter crap that this man has been sending us through his random and wanton damnations over the year, we are finally glad to have a soul to show for it."

"I mean really people ... we have twenty seven of his neckties that would not tie on the first try, several family pets, hundreds of auto parts, three programmable VCRs, and a fifteen dead house plants."

"What the hell should I do with this stuff? I should at least receive remuneration for holding all of this junk for him, hell is crowded enough without Sam Holloway turning it into his repository for everything that crosses his path," Satan ranted.

"Why couldn't Satan have called me to come pick my stuff up?" Holloway lamented, "I did not realize what an imposition on the him it was for me to damn everyday household items that angered me because I thought his real estate holdings were much larger than they are in fact, and further, since when did the good and evil forces that shape our world start listening to me?"

Further comments could not be obtained from Holloway due to an extremely busy torment schedule.

Contributing Writer - TCOB (tcob@juno.com)