Student Prides Self in Twenty Years of Schooling, No Knowledge

Orlando, FL – A local student has done the possible.  Valencia Community College student Benjamin Simms has managed to attend school until age 20 without attaining any appreciable amount of knowledge.  Following an entire childhood of Piano lessons, soccer practice and Boy Scouts at which he acquired absolutely no knowledge or life skills, Simms is continuing his perfect record.  Blowing off his Tuesday civics class to enjoy a cigarette on the stairs of his building, Simms was good enough to give us a few minutes of his time.

“I know it seems like an impossibility, but it really hasn’t been hard.  I genuinely am no smarter, wiser, or more skilled at anything than I was when I was cutting middle school to sit in the parking lot with my friends, and let me tell you, the teachers make no effort to reach me,” explains Simms.  “I might just learn something if school wasn’t so boring.

Going to class is so lame, but my dad is paying for me to go here, so here I am…but I’ll be darned if I am going to learn a thing.  What would I need English for anyway?  I speak good already, and let me tell you, Grendel is the dullest book around.  The guy who wrote it tries to explore the monster’s mind and only includes a few pages of action.  How am I supposed to learn from that?  At least the girls here are cute.”

Unaware of the fact that his son has learned nothing, Benjamin’s father Frank Simms could not be prouder.

“Though Benjamin has never been the greatest student in the world, I am thrilled that he has chosen to pursue higher education so that he can make a difference in this world, and hopefully be monetarily comfortable as well.  I look at my tuition payments as an investment in my future and look forward to having enlightened debate with my son someday soon.”

Amazingly, though the younger Simms has learned nothing, he has maintained a respectable 2.7 grade point average, and is currently being offered slots at both Florida State University and Barbizon Cosmetology School.

“Now my dad is twisting my arm to get a Bachelor’s degree.  If he keeps pushing me, I’m not sure that I will be able to continue with my complete indifference to school.  I’m probably going to have to start learning stuff if I go on to more schooling.  Then I’ll never be done.”

When asked about his future plans, Simms is vague.

“My job at Long John Silver’s has shown me what I don’t want to do, but I’m not sure what I want to do.  Maybe I’ll try and be a doctor or musician or something.  Anything that pays good and isn’t too hard.”

Contributing author TCOB (tcob@juno.com)